tears from heaven...

I found a blog earlier this month, by a daily perusal of Etsy...this Designer had noted her blog on her Profile..and I found a strange pull to read it. After it downloaded I felt a strange sense of familiarity...maybe it was the photo's she had posted..the sea in the background..a funny photo of a old Golden Retriever, a breed that has always held my heart. I reside with one myself..Chauncey..a wild two year old Golden , who thinks it's absolutely acceptable to wake me at three thirty in the morning! He'll approach my bed, put his paw on the side and start "talking" to me in his hysterical moaning (that's the only way to describe the noises he makes!).

She's an extremely talented writer, and Designer too, I might add..as that IS what drew me to the blog to begin with..then my eye's landed upon what I thought might be the answer. She lives in Nova Scotia..the land of my father's birth. Now, even as I write, tear's form in my eyes...it's been 24 years since my fathers death..you'd think it would be easier now..but it's not.. I was but a 24 year old girl at the time..and not ready to give up my Daddy. I had just "finally" gotten to KNOW who he was..what he was about..through my driving him to his weekly Radiology treatments..or his Chemotherapy Infusions..yes back then they had to sit there...for hours while the Toxic CRAP was flushed through there poor bodies..and the Radiation..oh lord..it burned the poor man! But all through it, he stood as strong as he could..but in the end, he knew that is was all for naught..I honestly think he was doing it for my Mother. Not that she deserved something like that..she had haunted the poor man for the 36 years of the 57 years he had on this earth! She had taunted him, I'm sure , from the moment she knew she was pregnant. She had snagged him! And he paid his dues, too! But as usual, I digress...

My father was , I guess you could call it , a "Functioning Alcoholic"...I think , sometimes that my siblings are angry with him. Angry for not "taking us away" or rescuing us from a horrid childhood. And it was..Horrid! She had made sure that each one of us was embarrassed beyond recognition, in some way..throughout each of our five childhoods. I recall one day, sitting on the front steps, after she had accused him once again, of being unfaithful. I giggled to myself..even at 12 years of age, I knew the man never had the time to be unfaithful to her...she had him running at her beck and call.

She had made certain that her siblings would "think" that she had it all..a big house in the suburbs, a motorhome, nice clothes...we were just accessories to her. Bothersome too! And too damn many of us!! She had grown up with 12 sibings, and had absolutely nothing, to hear her tell it..and I'm sure it was a sparse life. But my Father couldn't afford the homes we lived in...but he did it..somehow...she had her "Jake's" card..to shop in Birmingham...she had about as much "right" to shop in Birmingham as taking a Bull
to tea in a China Shop!

It was ALL about keeping appearances to her..and he undoubtedly went to his Mother, asking for help, to keep the woman quiet. It wasn't until I was in my forties that I found out that it had been my Grandmother who had been paying the piper...The woman had worked till she was 89 years of age!!! I was always amazed at her tenacity..little did I know it was because she had a daughter in law who couldn't live within her means...and she treated the old woman like a milkmaid!!

It was the last Christmas my Father had, my Mother was really feeling her 'oats" that night...my Grandmother, knowing her only child was going to leave this earth well before herself, had come to spend his last Christmas with him. Of course, this irritated Mommy Dearest...and she tossed the old woman out of the house!! My Grandmother had to call her nephew to come and pick her up because her Daughter in law had had a wee bit too much and wanted her out of the house. Later, when I had found out what had happened..I couldn't look at her without spite , wanting to tell her exactly what everyone else wanted to tell her..but my father was in his bed..dying. At that point, he was tethered to an oxygen machine, next to his bed. He had a twenty foot lead to it..so he had just enough length to get to the restroom , but not quite enough to the kitchen. It truly is awful to watch your own parent tethered to a life saving device like that, and still be able to speak and open their eyes. In the end, he had not a bit of Cancer in him...he suffocated to death from a Fungus that had formed in his lung from the Radiation poisoning. Looking back...with my own personal experience of watching my Father endure this..I would have stopped him. I would have stopped him from burning himself so horribly...and then ending up poisoned from what was supposed to "cure" him. Ha...cures..that's what they called it back in the early 80's. But, I couldn't. He couldn't even mention the "C" word around my Mother. Poor man..but honestly..I'm somewhat grateful..because that was the cause of him needing to talk to someone..and I feel lucky that it was me he turned to talk about..his life..his wishes..what he wanted to do with his body after he passed on from this life..into the next...and this was the creation of the relationship we had..for three years..that I wouldn't trade for the world! He never told us he loved us when we were young. That would have went against everything my Mother stood for...I nicknamed her the Ice Queen later...I heard the word somewhere, in my adolscent years...maybe out of Dad's mouth when he had alittle too much Canadian Whiskey...lol..

And when he passed, I had been in a Psych class..my younger sister knocked at the door, my Prof looked over at me, knowing already that my Father was very ill and said "It's time". It was time...we drove to the "House"..my Mother sitting on the couch...with a drink in her hand...and my Brother pacing the floor. There was no emotion out of my Mother...not suprising to me...so I tried to "suck it up" and for some reason...I ended up being the "chosen one" to handle the issues at hand. Since Dad had told me everything he wanted..he preferred Cremation over burial...I left shortly after arriving and went home for some well needed rest. The next day, I called the Funeral Home, made an appointment and informed my Mother of what was to be done. She went along for the ride, for the most part..I handled the Obituary writing, the choice of Casket that my Father would be "shown" in..a typical Irish wake would be expected..luckily my Brother had taken my Mother shopping to choose a Suit for my Father to be shown in. The Choosing of a Casket is an unusual thing to go through..I liken it to buying a used car! Mind you , this was the 80's, but they honestly had a light blue metal casket, nicknamed the "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" version..it had a seagull on the inside!! How strange is that !! Designer Coffins and Caskets..step right up!!

That was an experience I wished I would forget soon, but that hasn't happened yet..and I'm thinking that's probably what caused me to tell my Son's.."Please, send me to the Crematorium and call it a day"!!

Scatter me to the winds in a beautiful place..after all...isn't it supposed to be "Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust"?

The oddity I find in writing this..it's been very Cathartic for me, I might add..is that my Mother died two years ago this May...I have no tears for her passing..she lived till she was 81 years old...My older sister and I took extremely good care of her in the end...almost too good...but she was still our Mother. Others would say,"I cannot believe, after ALL she did to you..that you could do all that for her"...and to answer that...I don't either! lol..I guess it's because my Father would have wanted me to...I'm grateful for the three years I had with him..I wouldn't trade those last three years for the world!

I did it for you, Pops...and I remember writing in my journal the day after she died..."look out Pops, she's coming atcha..better get your rollerskates on"

making money blogging....the truths, the fallacies and lies

It's been an interesting few days....after I , ironically, saw a "blurb" by ABC's Charlie Gibson, one of my favorites, btw, talking about a woman who was blogging about raising her six children and surviving the world....and in the meantime, earning four thousand a month, blogging!!

Well, hey,....why not!! This was something that has always caught my eye..and for months, on and off, I've looked into things that "pulled you in" thinking..hmmm maybe there is a way to earn money online. Well, as I was reading yet another interesting (snicker) post about some woman on CafeMom, (gee, they're really getting the "plugs" from me lately) who was absolutely convinced that she was earning all this money..I checked out a "free" website she was "supporting".

Oh it went on to say, you silly sap...you common "everyday Joe"...have you been sucked into thinking you too, could become rich overnight by blogging or selling your parents items from their garage on ebay?? Well we here at "payyouchecksdaily" will show you the way to Financial Freedom..and it's all free!!! It even offers a 100 percent guarantee!! Yes, that's right, if you can prove to them (I've yet to figure out how you could document this one, lol ) that you've tried our "first step"..then we'll pay you $100.00...

Interesting...so, for grins and giggles, I filled out the basic information...and off it takes me to once again tell me how I've been a sucker in the past to think that all those "other sites" had anything to offer me but a bucket of screws...or something that could be construed to be somewhat similar...and they'll be happy to send me all these things for "step one". Now, just give us your address, city , state and zip code..we'll send it off to you....and then..up pops another page...hmmmmmmm Oh...did we tell you that we can ship this ALL to you for only $1.97 cents!! That's right..and here's a spot for your Credit Card or Debit Card....right here...that's right..just to the right..and down below...great!! Oh, if you want it even quicker, we can overnight it to you for the slim cost of only $14.97...now remember, you have that $100.00 guarantee!!! I stopped dead in my tracks..snickering to myself...seems alot of people must do that..because at the bottom of the page, there's a link entitled "cancel"...and I hit that little sucker quicker than a New York Minute!!! The heck if I was going to PAY someone to tell me what I need to do to have someone else put money in my bank account...for the low everyday cost of $14.97, or $1.97 if I didn't need it right away....

Ahhhhh the Internet...I'm sure there are ways to earn money blogging...some people have been very successful at it...but I'll be damned if I'm going to have someone tell me how they are "getting that right out to me"..and then ask for my credit/debit card!! lol...naw...I know, they're born every minute...but I was born along long, time ago...and I don't think it was a turnip truck that I fell off of either!!

And in the beginning....the development of a blog by a woman in chronic pain...and more!!

As the Construction phase continues...Jewels of all Colors..honestly not what I wanted to start with now..but it's what we're stuck with for the time being...hopefully will develop into something you can sit and read...maybe with one fist under your jaw, holding your head up as you ingest some "mediocre" writing..blogging, ideas and findings on my part, as I venture out further into the vast spheres of information out there ...on this huge Highway to...???

This morning, as I turned over, hoisted myself up on my elbows and felt a new jabbing of pain...up through my torso...into the shoulders. Wonderful!! A "new" pain !! Not the typical knee pain I'm awakened by every morning. I search through my bag, feeling around for the "large" bottle which holds my Pain Medication..or , at least, THE main pain medication that I need to introduce into my body every day...twice daily!! Without it..I would be writhing in pain...so it's a part of me that will be with me forever. I accept that ...because it allows me to have some quality in life. Understand that every ones idea's of "Quality" however, differ greatly! With myself, Quality is a day that I can sit up after sleeping...and have my feet hit the floor within a five minute period, after working out some of the stiffness that may come with an 80 year old woman. As I reach the latter part of the fourth decade of life, I cannot imagine others my age, in general good health, ever beginning to understand this "type" of stiffness! But, with the medication, and a general good attitude about life...I can address this as Quality.

Living with a Chronic Illness, in my own case, the Diagnosis' list is comparative to a grocery list, so I limit it to simply Chronic Pain. That "name" addresses what most of the Disorders and Diseases generally all lend themselves to...Pain! It's much easier to explain to people that you are a "Chronic Pain Patient" than describe what Fibromyalgia is, or Anklying Spondyolitis is, and more. Much Easier! Fibromyalgia has finally made it's way out of the "Trash Basket" that it was assigned to by many Doctors in the last decade...and is more widely accepted now. I was diagnosed by a fabulously kind Rheumatologist at the University of Michigan back in 1997. She knew what she was looking for, I , obviously had all the symptoms she was checking on, and she made her diagnosis quickly and precisely. Not something that needed to be dragged out by blood tests, xrays and general poundings with those hammers they hit your knees with when checking responses!

I hope I am able to expand this blog into something you can turn to when in need of a smile, an acknowledgement, or general boredom! I guess we're all in for the ride!! Welcome!! Sit back and put your seat belt on...this could be an interesting ride!

Who in blazes is Ron Paul...

As I learn more and more about blogging, slogging through more and more about "what you should know" and "you should cut and paste this"...I kept noticing, probably yesterday more than today, Ron Paul...who was this Ron Paul and why did his name keep reappearing when I went back to my Yahoo home page...when I visited Technorati this morning, their homepage listed, sure enough..Ron Paul...on the blurb of tags...Ron Paul...Now..I'm not an everyday Politically minded Mom, woman, citizen...but I have a voice..many people will tell you that..this I assure you!! Have I been watching the Spouting of all of the Presidential Candidates for the 2008 election process...No!

I will typically wait till, oh, maybe March of the Election year...read what falls in front of me and catches my eye...and then eventually choose who I think best fits "the lesser of two evils". But this deluge of Ron Paul...I had no idea who the heck this person was...much less a Presidential Candidate..he could have been a Hairdresser for all I knew...the Proprietor of a "Get rich quick Book of the Year" conference group...I honestly had no clue...So...I turned to my typical method of finding things I need info on quickly...I "Googled" Ron Paul...

I didn't feel bad once I read that his Name Recognition, as early this year...was ranked right about where I would have ranked it...down at the bottom...unless you live in Houston, Texas or in Texas itself, you may not have known who Ron Paul was either...she sighs a sigh of some relief...

So, Ron Paul...he's a Representative from Texas...Republican of late...was born in Pennsylvania in 1935...graduated from High School and College, the son of a Dairy Farmer...went on to Med School and became an Ob/Gyn...he's been called a Conservative, a Libertarian and Constitutionalist, among other things...Wikipedia offered a bevy of material on this man...

He adheres to the Austrian School of Economics..which holds that "increasing the amount of money in circulation eventually leads to Economic Ruin"...makes sense to me...but I don't claim to be an Economist either...

He regularly votes against spending, taxes and Government Initiatives...He would abolish Individual Income Taxes, while achieving "Revenue Neutrality" by scaling back the Federal Budget seven years...ok...I'm sure he would have alot of followers on that note...He supports abolishing many of the larger Government Agencies, and says "Republicans have strayed from limited Government to Big Government" even though he recognizes himself as one...that was a head scratcher....His foreign policy is one of nonintervention which made him the ONLY Candidate in this Presidential election to have voted AGAINST the Iraq War...hmmmmm interesting...

He calls himself an unshakable foe on Abortion, favors State rights, Gun ownership, allowing voluntary School Prayer...he also favors allowing workers right to opt our of Social Security, he opposes the Draft, the Federal War on Drugs and Death penalties...

I guess I haven't been reading all that much on the Internet..and I don't claim to be a huge You Tube fan, because his Internet Presence has been measured by his Ranking as a Top Internet "Search" item by Technorati, Alexa and others...all that compare popularity in the blogosphere...He claims the most YouTube hits (4.4 million) and the most subscriptions of all Candidates, surpassing Barack Obama in May, 2007 !! Well, I guess I must have been asleep this Spring!! His YouTube channel is among the "Top 40" most subscribed of all time, claiming 32,000 subscribers in October of 2007 !! As I said...YouTube and I just haven't met yet...

So, there you have it in a Nutshell...well, my Nutshell anyway...the guy who I thought may as well have been pedaling a "Get rich on Ebay Auctioning off your Parents things from the Garage" E-zine...was , in fact, a Presidential Candidate..or still is...and it appears..I've just given him a little more "show"...yawnnnnnnnnn

So...there you have my take...well, my "findings" when I "Googled" a plain inquiry of "Ron Paul"...as she crumbles up her notebook paper and turns toward the garbage can and ...oh...damn..missed the hoop shot!!

a year and seven months later...

How quickly time passes...my interests remain the same...jewelry design, crafting, reading, and of course, continuing to raise two sons...thought the latter has pretty much been put on to auto pilot...though I do "put my two cents in " probably too often for their tastes!! With the youngest about to turn 17, my comments can pretty much be summed up to be answered with a "I know, Mom".

I have blogged on a few of the sites I visit often, CafeMom...where I have two "groups" of women, all Moms...who either have Chronic Pain..."Moms with Chronic Pain", or "Moms with, but not limited to" a group that enables women who have either Emotional Health Issues or Physical Health Issues, or both...which seems to be the most prevalent!

I started the first Group, "Moms with," back in February 07', thinking perhaps two or three dozen women may find themselves falling into these categories...I guess I was fooling myself..the count is up to just shy of 300...and my group is one of many that are listed on the site. I find alot more women with challenges are now "coming out of the closet" per se, and discussing things that they're faced with a bit more ease, than say, back in 1998 when I first rode the on ramp to the Internet Highway. One of the Predominant Diagnosis I was given back then was Fibromyalgia...some people would respond with a "God bless you" after the word, not having a clue as to what in the world I was talking about...this "Fibr i my alckia"...Not that I blame them !! I didn't have much of a clue myself, and found myself doing alot of research on every site I could find..some garbage site, others that were of great value.

Finally the Diagnosis was recognized not only by Doctors, but by the Federal Government as well...always reassuring when you are on Social Security Disability. Still, there are women who continue to join Cafemom who are just as befuddled as I was back in 1998 about the constant Pain they deal with, the sensitivity to touch, temperature, morning aches and spasms, fatigue and inability to sleep. To me, the worst was the inability to work. When I blogged on here a year and seven months ago..I was attempting to do some Medical Auditing...here and there, when I was able to ...this didn't last long. To my dismay, I could find myself somewhat useful in the early morning hours, after taking my pain medication as soon as my feet hit the floor. But as the clock ticked beyond 10 a.m., I could feel the ability to concentrate fizzling away, my mind fading, and the aches working their way up my spine again. It's frustrating when you grow up with a "work ethic" that you reap what you sow...I would work up to three jobs at a time when necessary . But to have that ability snatched out from beneath you is extremely frustrating. You no longer have the ability to "supplement" your income. You can't run out and get a quick part time job waiting tables on the weekend with the Holidays coming up soon! You are faced with one check a month to squeak out all of your expenses. All of them !! You can't even keep your own house, let alone cleaning offices after your "day job". But, time moves on...

The second group I formed when I saw that the majority of women posting to the groups were primarily women with JUST the Emotional Illnesses...and I knew there were alot of women "lurking" in the group who were challenged not only with the Emotional aspects, but the Physical Aspects as well...thus "Moms with Chronic Pain" was born...

Alot of the initial members were transplants from the "Moms With, " group..but as the weeks moved to month to month..I found I could no longer manage the Pain group alone and needed an Administrator, as I had with the initial group. I had a woman whom I found to be much like myself, in humor, age and background. Robin is a fabulous woman with a very similar work ethic...and equally painfilled life. Rather than sons, she was blessed with two daughters..though older than my children. She has been an incredible help in organizing and handling every aspect of the group.

The interesting aspect of this website I have taken notice of, however, is what happens when you have ALOT of women in one site...Chaos!! There is a "journal" aspect to every profile of every member. This is where I would "blog" and get things off my chest. I found a huge number of members use it for much the same purpose..but lately Religion seems to be ruling the roost as topics to Journal on...and these journals can be "voted" as popular, or whether they should be "considered" popular...It strikes me as something as close to High School politics in an Adult situation as one can find on the Internet!

Chaotic is probably the clearest description as to how "Days" can become on the website. When I questioned an Atheist member of one of my groups as to why she and alot of her fellow "Athe" sisters, as she refers to them, were journals on one particular day about "I am Atheist, therefore I am". She replied to my email that a large group of "Right winged Christian women" were writing to she and her friends that they were"fairy tales" and therefore, didn't exist. Interesting...somebody was writing to me under her member name...and I don't think it was the Great Pumpkin, lol !!! It was their"inner athe joke" she replied...that they would let everyone know they did exist...interesting approach!! Now they've decided to develop their own "Invisible Pink Unicorn Church"...I don't have the heart to tell her the definition of "Church" in the Dictionary when I "googled " it was a large religious group, primarily Christian.!!

a day in the life of a wild irish rose by the name of Jeanne!!

my initial blog should be interesting right?!..Here it is Saint Patricks Day, the americanized version of celebration of my Heritage!! I am a single mom (like 65 percent of us, lol) to two wonderful boys who can really try my patience sometimes!! My oldest son, Jordan is 19 this May, and JonJon is 15...and both are great, gorgeous young men!!! Of course I tend to think I am a bit biased...I am a jewelry designer by choice and a sometimes Medical Auditor to pay a few of the bills